


a moment of certainty

by philseye



Series: dan & phil & baby [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Babies, Fluff, Introspection, M/M, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 05:04:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17656439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philseye/pseuds/philseye
Summary: based on a headcanon by @watergator: dan rambles to the baby when he has something on his mind.





	a moment of certainty

Rain beats hard against the window. It’s been pouring all day, cold and heavy, yet oddly comforting. It’s given them an excuse to stay bundled up inside the house and forget about the responsibilities of their everyday life.

Phil is downstairs preparing dinner, a stir fry, he said, while Dan is upstairs, outstretched on the recliner with their baby asleep on his chest.

Dan’s eyes are glued to the skylight above him, just observing the rain falling steadily. He knows his baby won’t be asleep much longer, she’s been out for some time now, but at this moment he cherishes the quiet loveliness of it all. It strikes him then just how content he is; an emotion he doesn’t often have the pleasure of feeling. 

He tips his chin down and his nose grazes her light hair and he draws in her newborn baby scent. He wondered when that smell would fade, but everyone’s assured him that it lingers for some time. He loves it; it’s a remarkably soothing thing. He presses his lips once to her tiny head and then relaxes against the back of the chair to watch the rain again. 

Being alone with his thoughts like this isn’t always a good thing for Dan. He can spiral and get lost with them until he’s a weeping mess on the floor. Phil can usually discern when he’s on that negative path, and he’ll stop him and make him vocalize his thoughts so that he can challenge them before they become overwhelming. That, or he’ll just run his fingers through Dan’s hair and kiss his face softly until he forgets about them entirely. He loves him for that. For a lot of other reasons, too—but that’s a substantial one.

Just then, hot, opalescent, thick tears escape from his eyes and trail down his cheeks. He takes one of his hands off his baby to wipe them away and lets out a shaky chuckle when she stirs.

“Did I wake you, sweetheart?” he whispers. She doesn’t move again, so he assumes she’s still in a deep sleep.

“I’m sorry, little one,” he continues. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m so happy.”

He inhales slowly through his nose and then out through his mouth. He returns his gaze to the skylight. This is good, he thinks—vocalizing his thoughts. It’s good for his baby, too, they apparently love hearing the voices of their parents. Strengthens the connection, or something like that.

“I really am. I was starting to worry I would never be,” he exhales. “But then you came along, and now I have so much happiness that I don’t know how to handle it. Hence this ugly crying.” 

Phil would laugh at him now if he saw him rambling to their baby, Dan thinks. Or maybe he would cry too. It’s not that he was unhappy before they decided to find a surrogate and subsequently have a child, it’s just that he felt as though he was lacking a true purpose. That feeling would engulf him some days and turn into a rather nasty beast in his brain. Phil had been delighted when he recognized just how beneficial having a baby is for Dan’s wellbeing.

His hand finds their way back to his baby, rubbing and patting lovingly up and down her tiny back, over the pink polka-dot onesie—an item Phil most likely picked out. They bought so many clothes for her that she will soon be growing out of. Phil was right, though; she is undoubtedly the cutest, most stylish baby in all of London.

He chuckles quietly again to himself, and more tears prickle behind his eyes. 

“Your dad says you’re good for me. He’s probably right, that bastar—I mean, nutter, always is.” Dan sniffles. “I hope I’m good for you, too. I’m trying.”

Dan doesn't think he’s ever tried so hard to be good at something in his life. He read numerous books on how to raise a baby, went to a few parenting classes with their surrogate, for which Phil teases him, but he doesn’t care. It’s better to be over-prepared than under-prepared. 

He’s usually the one to wake up in the middle of the night to change or feed her, the first one to sprint to her bassinet when she so much as whimpers, the one offering to rock her to sleep. He is doing a good job; his constant exhaustion is proof. 

Phil helps too, of course, in his own ways. He doesn’t allow Dan to get too exhausted, often letting him sleep in later than him most mornings and takes care of the baby on his own until Dan wakes up freely. They’ve created a semi-functional schedule, and it only took them about a month.

“Speaking of him, he better be making us some yummy food, huh?” Dan jokes. “Not that you can eat it, but you’ll get a bottle and I think you like those.” 

She stirs again, extending one of her arms and resting her hand on Dan’s chest. He tilts his chin down to look at her and pushes his index finger underneath it, to which she responds by wrapping her teeny baby hand around it.

“Got yourself wrapped around my finger,” Dan says. “Think it’s the other way ‘round, sweetheart,” he says as he presses another kiss to the top of her head.

The tears that were welling in his eyes before finally drop as he says, “I love you, little one. More than I’ve loved anything.” Dan sniffles and lets out a wobbly breath. “Except maybe your Dad. I would do anything in the world for the two of you. Sometimes that’s a scary feeling to have.” Dan breathes in through his nose and blinks back more tears. “But I trust the both of you,” he says with an exhale.

Phil coughs from the doorway, which makes Dan jump a little bit and his grip on his baby tightens by reflex. 

He doesn’t know how long Phil’s been standing there, but it’s been long enough that Phil is crying too. Phil juts his lip out and wipes at his face and Dan responds by giving him a tiny half-smile.

Phil crosses the room, kneels down beside the chair, and plants a kiss to the center of Dan’s forehead. 

“I love you,” Phil whispers, so not to wake the baby. He places another, longer to kiss to Dan’s lips. Dan kisses back fervidly. Phil then moves a little and presses a more gentle kiss to Emma’s head and says, “And I love you too, angel.”

“Dinner ready?” is what Dan asks, eyes fixed on Phil. He nods and cards his fingers through Dan’s curly brown locks. They both couldn’t be more in love.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed. i post my fics on tumblr @philseye :)


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